..............: February 2009

Y'all ready for this? (Here it is, Rach, as promised.)

Prepare to enjoy The Worlds GREATEST/Most Tragically Hallmark-ish Love Letter.

No, really. You should be sitting down. And under no circumstances drinking milk.

Since you probably can't make most of that out (and I really posted it for a visual), I'll transcribe below and, naturally, include some juicy commentary. (IMHO, the best part...;0)

Amanda (...umm, if you're calling me that, you're either about to put a cold stethoscope on my back, you're issuing me a speeding ticket, or you don't know the first thing about me!!!),

I feel that a letter to you is the appropriate thing to do, although I would like to speak with you again. As I think of what to say my mind reflects on the experiences we have shared, some past experiences of mine, and some things I have read from your journal. As I prepare my talk , I reflect on the word Love. Wow, what a powerful word, but what does it truly mean? I feel that it would not be out of place to express my feelings on love, but out of fear I will hold my tongue. I would like to help you to understand how I feel about you as a person and a friend. I don't care what other people think or say about you, this is what I think and you ought to think of yourself. I feel that you can be compared to this rose. The stem would represent the values and morals that you possess that are in perfect line. The thorns would represent the way you protect yourself from the bad things that happen to you. The leaves would represent the value you place on life and learning and growing to become a beautiful flower. The petals represent the softer side of you which is truly something to be desired. I feel that you are a very good person and much like this rose. I feel that this rose is beautiful, pure, sensitive, delicate, and humble. I feel that this rose is perfect.

With Much Love,
Random Bonehead McFlakeFest*
*Name has been changed to protect the humiliated.

Wow. Where do I begin?! No, seriously. Someone tell me where to start 'cuz I'm still speechless after a decade.

Ahhh, good (crazy) times!!!

Okay, bear in mind that I was 16, so I was equally panged with twinges of, "That's the sweetest, most poetic thing anyone's ever said about me," and, "In exactly which section of Hallmark did he find this CRAP?!?"

The best parts about this love-tastrophe? Put down the glass of milk. I repeat, step away from the milk. In the interest of your nostrils and computer monitor.

He was in his mid-20s.

Serving a mission.

In my ward.

Teaching my boyfriend the discussions.

And making out with an investigator girl at the same time (CLEARLY unbeknownst to me).

Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call QUALITY REALITY ENTERTAINMENT!!!!!!! Thank you, thank you. No applause. Just throw money. I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

Oh yeah, and I neglected to mention that his companion gave him that one single, solitary piece of stationery and told him to, and I quote, "Use it wisely." Nice.

You can't make this stuff up.

But I bet if I could, I'd turn a tidy profit at card shops everywhere. Hmmm...what to call my new love card line...